My daughter is starting Kindergarten today, and I’m a mess.
The madness of the Fair is over. We’ve sealed up the final chapter of one of the best summers to date. This morning I walked my daughter to the bus for her first day of Kindergarten. This is nearly the hardest thing I’ve ever had to do.
She has been home with me, every day, for nearly 6 years. When she was born, I resigned from my position in media to stay at home and be her Mom. It was the best thing I ever did and I’m so thankful I’ve had that opportunity. We’ve had the best of times together, played many games, learned many things and welcomed her brother into our ‘club’ a couple of years ago. She’s my #1 side kick, my budding baker, my chore hand and my best friend. Now, I have to share her. This is not easy, you know.
You’d have known this if you’d have seen me in the last few days. I’ve been fighting off a warm sensation in my head, eyes that water and a tingling nose. I didn’t want to cry, but lately, it is all I have done. I’m not embarrassed to tell you this, because I think I’m a pretty good Mom.
I’ve found myself replaying her life’s events to date… the evening she was born, her first steps, her first experience in the barns, her first words and more. I have to come to grips with the fact that she will spend 8 hours away from me each day, I’m aware I may no longer will get her best, though I know she will try, to please me.
(She drove us down to the end of the drive in the gator to meet the bus.)
I’m torturing myself this morning, now that she’s not in the house. I look around and see her toys, her little boots that she usually wears to the shed when we do chores in the morning and none of them have moved. Her little brother is tromping around the house and has casually asked for her a few times. I have looked at the clock at least 100 times so far, waiting for the moment that the yellow bus will appear and my baby will hop off of it to drive the John Deere Gator back to the house and tell me all about her day.
Thankfully, she has a wonderful school to attend with the best teachers around. My Mom is also a ‘guest teacher’ there, so she’ll have Grandma in the classroom this year a couple of times. I also plan on volunteering at the school. All of this, still is not enough for me. The first step she took onto the bus today thrust her into a different world, one with greater independence, and less dependence on me. Selfishly, I’m not ready to share her, but honestly, I doubt I ever will be. All day yesterday I desperately fought to figure out a plan to keep her home with me. Could I homeschool? Is that choice right for our family? I’ve thought about it a lot. She is ready for school, was excited to go and now I need to get a grip, play with, enjoy and get to know my son even more… and get used to the new ‘normal’ around my house. Oh, and bake a batch of cookies for her when she gets home.
So today, to all of the Moms and Dads that are having a tough time like me… I’m thinking about you.
Where has the time gone?